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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28313040">Happy Birthday Victor Nikiforov</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukaeya/pseuds/tsukaeya'>tsukaeya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Birthday Victor Nikiforov, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Ice Skating, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Victor Nikiforov, Pining Katsuki Yuuri, Pining Victor Nikiforov, Slow Burn, tsukaeya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:54:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28313040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukaeya/pseuds/tsukaeya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On his 27th birthday, Victor Nikiforov finds someone who he wants to stay with and for once, he is at ease. On his 28th birthday, Victor Nikiforov can no longer be okay after everything that has happened.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Happy Birthday Victor Nikiforov</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi!! Um so I wrote this in three days and I did not take the time to proofread this piece. Anyway, I still do hope you enjoy this.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Happy birthday, Victor Nikiforov.”</p><p>Those were the first words you ever spoke to me, Yuuri Katsuki. </p><p>It was on the 25th of December, a year from now. It was my 27th birthday and Christophe had the grand idea of inviting a plethora of other skaters to my birthday that year. He told me I shouldn’t be lonely on such a day, especially because it was Christmas too.</p><p>Of course, I didn’t have a say in this. I couldn’t comprehend why birthdays had to be filled with grandeur. We rarely celebrated Christmas too, so I had wanted this day to be rather quiet. “Victor, it’s about celebrating your existence,” Christophe would always tell me when I opposed his idea. Nonetheless, I still didn’t understand why. I didn't want to.</p><p>Maybe I just haven’t found a reason to see this day as something special.</p><p>However, as you walked into the grand room together with a skater who I believed was from Thailand. You weren’t anything special then, but you immediately caught my eye, Yuuri. “Yuuri, let’s go greet Victor,” he says pulling you around. That was the first time I heard your name.</p><p>You looked completely opposed to that idea. You still followed your friend however as you two walked through the busy ballroom. I watched your every step from where I stood, which caused me to drift away from my conversation with Yakov and Yuri.</p><p>“Victor!,” the younger blonde male called out to me as I walked away from the conversation. I don’t know why or how but I needed to see you as soon as possible. “He’s there!,” your friend excitedly says as he pushes you forward, closing the distance between us.</p><p>That’s when the brown met the light blue. You were taken aback. I felt like you were nervous to speak to me, but I was impressed when you continued to walk towards me despite the fear you had. You bowed to me as a greeting once you got close enough and you smiled.</p><p>Your smile is extremely beautiful, Yuuri.</p><p>“Happy birthday, Victor Nikiforov.”</p><p>You said those four words to me clearly without any trace of anxiety. I smiled at you and at that moment your eyes twinkled. Your friend then cut our moment of locked eyes to greet me. “I’m Phichit Chulanot from Thailand. Happy birthday,” he said smiling.</p><p>Phichit asked for a photograph of the three of us to post on his social media accounts. “Yuuri move closer to Victor,” he says as he poses. You do exactly that, and I place my arm around your shoulders. You tense up after I do this. “Don’t be tense Yuuri. Think of me as your significant other.”</p><p>With that, you giggle and you felt less tense. The three of us pose for the picture and as Phichit reviews the shot, he chuckles. “You two look like a couple,” he jokingly says and his words color your cheeks pink. You both leave me as a few other guests approach me.</p><p>Thinking back, I believe I was too shy to tell you that I wanted you to stay. Now, I wish I had told you that multiple times.</p><p>As we were both enjoying ourselves at the party, my mind only thought of you. There was just something about your brown eyes and your smile that made me wanted to run to you. While I talked to guests, I seemed to be focused on them but in reality, I was searching for you in the room trying to make sure you haven’t left yet. It would be a tragedy if you had.</p><p>Looking for your brown eyes scanning the room, I see you and Phichit about to leave just three hours after you two greeted me. Three hours after I think I saw something in you. </p><p>Once again, I abruptly leave the people I was talking to just to get to you. I bump into multiple people asking me to stay with them for a chat but I was stuck on trying to reach you. </p><p>When I did, I could only smile as I held your wrist. You were halfway through the door and if I had been late by just another step I wouldn’t be able to catch you. Staying there as I caught my breath, I finally rise and see your brown eyes. “Yuuri Katsuki,” I say.</p><p>“Can you please stay with me?”</p><p>You were confused. Phichit was confused too. You asked me if I was drunk or joking, but I told you I wasn’t. There was no way I would be able to explain it at that time, but I just simply wanted you to stay. For no reason at all.</p><p>Now, I think I know why I wanted you to stay so badly.</p><p>I was confused. Phichit was confused. I asked you if you were serious, and you told me you were. There was no way I would ever know why you made that decision, but you simply agreed to stay with me. For no reason at all.</p><p>And so, that night of my 27th birthday you stayed with me.</p><p>“Good morning, Victor.”</p><p>Those were the words you spoke the morning after. I was in shock to see you dressed in a set of robes that I put in the guest rooms of my house. I smiled at you and you smiled back. I sat at the counter, across from you and you watched me stir my coffee.</p><p>I asked you if you were fine. You said you were and you began to eat the egg rolls that were served. Once again, I asked if you were fine—if you were fine with staying. You said you were. “I honestly don’t know why you asked me to stay, I would say no. But I just have a strong feeling I want to be around you.”</p><p>You were blushing after you said that. It was cute. You expressed it better than me. I didn’t know why too. After years of this lifestyle, I thought severing attachments to others would be a nice way to prevent my heart from shattering. I wouldn’t do this at all. But I just have a strong feeling I want to be around you too, Yuuri.</p><p>There was an awkward silence after you spoke. I couldn’t help but simply smile at your gestures. Christophe then walked into my kitchen, stumbling from his hangover. He looked surprised to see you too but he looked over at me. </p><p>I think he was the first to know that there was something.</p><p>“Yuuri, how about I take you somewhere today?,” I say and your eyes light up just a bit. “Oh. Um, Victor you see, I don’t know how long you want me to stay here with you. Please, tell me,” you ask slightly bowing. I ask you to raise your head.</p><p>“You know, Yuuri. If you want to leave then you can. If you want to stay, stay as long as you want. I can’t force you into staying with me,” I say apologetically as we ignored Christophe who had knocked down a few decorations atop my tables. You then smiled at me.</p><p>“If that’s the case then,” you say placing your fork down. I knew you were going to leave. You probably would leave. “Then I’ll stay with you, Victor. I want to be here, with you.”</p><p>My heart was racing as you smiled. “I like it when you smile. I hope I can make you smile while you’re with me,” I tell you. We then decided that today, I’d accompany you to go back home for a few days and get your things since you had decided to stay with me.</p><p>Yuuri Katsuki, I think you’re the thing I’ve been looking for my entire life that would make birthdays special.</p><p>We reached Hasetsu and of course, your whole family was shocked to see us together. Despite the worried looks on their faces, they let you go with me. We stayed at Yu-topia Katsuki until New Year. They were all seemingly worried about you but upon seeing the smile on your face, they didn’t mind at all.</p><p>I got closer to them as we stayed there. Your mother would talk about you to me very fondly. She would show me pictures of you from your childhood. There were ones of you chubbier than you are now. There were some of you just smiling at the camera and ones where you were skating. Yet there were quite a collection of pictures where you lay in a hospital bed.</p><p>I didn’t give much thought to those, and I wish I did. I presumed this was because of skating injuries or things along the lines of that.</p><p>You brought me to your first home rink too. There, both of us skated as if there was no more time left for us in this world. You asked me how to land quads properly. I taught you how to do so and I watched you grow even in the smallest ways. </p><p>It was concerning that you’d burn yourself out practicing. I wish I made you rest more but then, I just let you practice whenever you assured me you were fine.</p><p>During New Year’s Eve, you pulled me outside towards the hot springs. “I want us to have the best view of the fireworks,” you said as you held my wrist and guided me. There, we talked once more as we waited for the clock to hit midnight.</p><p>You said you were retiring after this season. You wanted this to be your last season, and you told me that despite that, you would support me from the sidelines. You weren’t even sure if you were competing. You had just wanted to be on the ice. I was delighted and saddened to hear that. If this was your last season, then I wished I had noticed you more in the past.</p><p>There, I decided to join you in your last year. I wanted to take a break from the suffocating life I lived on the ice. You were taken aback. I reassured you that I didn’t intend to be your coach, I clarified that I just wanted to be your number one supporter for your last year on the ice.</p><p>I’m glad I did. I’m glad that I cheered for you every time you glided on the ice.</p><p>You were hesitant to agree to my offer though. You had a lot of doubts. You didn’t want to steal me from the world of competitive ice skating. You didn’t want to keep me for yourself. You saw yourself as just a star in this vast universe.</p><p>Yuuri, you are my universe.</p><p>As the clock struck 12, I held your hands at reassured you that even if that was the case, you were nothing short of the place I wanted to stay in forever. You weren’t stealing me. You weren’t stealing me if I was already yours at that very moment.</p><p>You smiled at me as I told you—it was fine to stay with me.</p><p>Yuuri Katsuki I wished I kissed you back then and there as the fireworks illuminated the dark setting around us. I really wished my lips were against yours back then. Only if I didn’t decide to wait for the next new year to be able to kiss you.</p><p>Instead, after you smiled I just cupped your face and pulled you against my body, hugging you. As the reds, greens, yellows, and all the other brightly lit colors surrounded us distracting everyone else, I was fixated on solely you and the euphoria you were bringing into my life.</p><p>The next day, we went back to Russia. I made you rest up before we went somewhere else. I was genuinely worried about you. You would get weak often and couldn’t even move until you got to eat sweets after skating. At times, when you had too much you’d get cranky, have headaches, and would get thirsty. </p><p>I tried looking up your symptoms online, but there wasn’t anything useful. I was worried enough that I asked my own doctor and I asked your relatives too but they told me it was nothing concerning. So I didn’t pay attention then, but if there was one thing I regret the most, it was looking past this.</p><p>You reassured me it was fine too. That you had been like that for the longest time. </p><p>I had finally accepted that time around that you were fine. So the following day, I took you to my home rink in St. Petersburg. I wanted you to feel the sensation of the ice there. With my support, you wanted to be on the ice—not competing but rather just enjoying your stay there.</p><p>You had a rather unique plan, Yuuri. Travel the world skating in different rinks just for fun. You didn't necessarily want to compete amongst other figure skaters. If I was another person, perhaps they’d get mad at your will.</p><p>But I told you I’d be with you as you executed your plan.</p><p>You told me all this while you were trying to choreograph your own program for a free skate. You told me you wanted to try making one all by yourself. From making the music to choreographing the program to learning it all by yourself. </p><p>I told you I was proud of you for trying to venture out like that. You never did this as you competed, so I consistently wondered why you made such a decision. I was still happy as I watched you try to do it all by yourself in St. Petersburg.</p><p>You mentioned that you had tried to do this a few times in Detroit but you gave up on the idea of it so quickly. This was your first time doing it and hoping not to abandon the project. Starting out new—it was a scary experience for you, wasn’t it, Yuuri?</p><p>It reminded me of myself when I just started out doing these kinds of things. I had support from others back then and sometimes I wished I could have been there for you more. Even now, nearly a year after all this has happened I still have bottled up regrets from the days I watched you attempt to land combinations on the ice.</p><p>I can’t do anything now, can I?</p><p>And if I could do anything would it reach you the way I wanted it to? Would I still be able to change this path destiny has paved for us in such a harsh way? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.</p><p>Watching you from the sides, I admired the way you moved. I admired the way you danced to the music and made it your own. I admired all the little gestures you made while concentrating in hope to get the best results possible.</p><p>You are art, Yuuri Katsuki. You are the most magnificent piece of art I have ever seen in my entire life. </p><p>Just like that, we went on adventures. We traveled the world in that year we were together. We would plan every trip and every rink we’d skate on. I would even joke about how you and I should organize our own competitions between the local skaters of the places we planned to go to.</p><p>In the end, we planned to go to around 12 to 15 places. We planned to skate in a rink in all of us those places. We didn’t know it then but those competitions I joked about stayed between the both of us as we jokingly competed against each other to find out who was the better skater.</p><p>In my eyes, it was always going to be you. </p><p>As we lay awake in the cold January nights in Russia, you were delighted when you finally had a copy of your free skate music that was specifically produced for you. You were beyond delighted, to actually say the least. You were happy. Really happy.</p><p>It was around two in the morning but you were insisting to go to the rink to try to feel the music echoing off the walls and echoing off the ice. Despite my own protests, I still brought you there and you began to think of ways you could move to it.</p><p>You weren’t a genius. You weren’t naturally gifted but the way you were so passionate about this charmed me into thinking you were one. As we listened to the third repetition of the music, your feet were already gliding on the ice trying to match the pace of the song.</p><p>We left the rink at five in the morning. I had to drag you out of there before Yakov caught us. You were extremely enthusiastic about your new music and I couldn’t help but smile. “Yuuri, what do the lyrics in your free skate music mean?,” I ask you during the car ride back to my house.</p><p>It was in Japanese. Of course, I couldn’t understand it at all. You simply smiled and chuckled. I playfully pouted and pretended to get pissed off at your actions. You then pat my head and ruffled my hair. “Don’t pay attention to those. I think the person who made my free skate music said they threw those in for fun. They aren’t supposed to mean anything special.”</p><p>I swear I heard you whisper something to yourself after that. I believe your full statement was, “They aren’t supposed to mean anything special. To you at least.”</p><p>Now that I know what they mean, they are special to me.</p><p>They always will be special to me even if you tell me they aren’t at all.</p><p>Your free skate music had a nice tune. It felt ethereal. I thought it couldn’t get even more ethereal until I saw you and your full program along with the music. We both didn’t know it then as you haven’t fully choreographed your program but it truly is the most beautiful one I’ve seen.</p><p>We then set off on our journey as soon as we could. I held your left hand in my right and I held Makkachin’s leash in the other as we went from St. Petersburg to Moscow.</p><p>While there, I watched you admire the seagulls you said reminded you of the ocean in Hasetsu. I watched as you and Yuri skated together with an annoyed look on the blonde’s face as you landed quads he still flubbed. I watched you and Makkachin diving into the snow, only to come to me freezing.</p><p>Here, you finally finished choreographing the first parts of your program. You weren’t in a rush. You just hoped to finish it as soon as you could. Occasionally, you would skate to me excitedly just to ask me if your step sequence was fine or if your body moved to the music correctly.</p><p>I watched you in awe as I also helped myself find inspiration for the next season. Eventually, we had to leave Moscow to go to our next destination. As much as I wanted to stay here, we both had bigger plans ahead of us. </p><p>Our next destination was Switzerland. We were visiting Christophe a visit too while we were there. We planned to help a few kids get into skating as well while we were there. Our schedule was quite packed, but I did my best to be able to sneak a rendezvous with you.</p><p>The day we arrived there, we went to our hotel room to simply sleep and rest up. I woke up the morning after to see you across from me still asleep. You were pretty tired, Yuuri. Your glasses were messily placed on the side of your pillow. You were tangled in your blankets with one of your feet sticking out. You were slumped onto the white hotel pillows and your mouth was agape.</p><p>You weren’t in the best physical state but I still believed that you were a masterpiece.</p><p>On the following day, we were at the rink once more. You skated gracefully as the music echoed throughout the empty building. It was just you and me that day. You were barely halfway through your program but you were clearly taking your time on it.</p><p>I admired the way your body moved. I admired the way your blades cut through the ice. I admired the way you tossed your head back whenever your body moved to the music. I admired the way you would just pout as you tried to think of what to add to it. I admired the way you would get extremely flustered when you’d catch me looking at you mesmerized.</p><p>Occasionally, you’d invite me onto the ice. Then we would just skate together. We acted like we were just kids at their local mall’s skating rink playing around. I never thought I’d be able to do such things again. When you’re older, they expect you to only be on the ice to skate. I never thought I’d be able to relive the nostalgia of simply skating around and playing tag.</p><p>This is what happened over the next few days, but of course, we couldn’t always have the rink to ourselves. Christophe would mock us both when he was with us. Even with him teasing you still skated as if it was just the two of us there. </p><p>Eventually, the day we scheduled with the kids came and you were nervous. I told you it was fine if you made mistakes but you were still extra cautious about making mistakes in front of them. You were even more intimidated by the group of little kids than they were intimidated by you. </p><p>You gave them—and me—a grand performance. You guided them carefully on how they’d do spins, jumps, step sequences, and things like that. You were seemingly good with children. As I was on break, you were still on the ice assisting them and helping them get over their anxiety.</p><p>I stared at you all-dreamy-eyed. Christophe was the one to point out how I was staring at you like you had my entire future in your hands. “You’re head over heels for him, Victor,” he said. And perhaps, I absolutely was head over heels for you, Yuuri Katsuki. </p><p>At that moment, however, I was already planning out an entire future with you. We’d get married when you’d be 25 or 26. I wouldn’t be too old then, I presume. We’d save enough money to buy two homes or even just two apartments—one in Hasetsu and one in St. Petersburg. We’d adopt kids, maybe one or two. If I’d finally plan on retiring, then we could adopt the second child knowing we’d have more time on our hands then. I didn’t want to burden you with the responsibility of taking care of our child and Makkachin too.</p><p>Then we’d grow old together. Our two kids—preferably a boy who was older and a girl who was younger—would explore their own interests. I didn’t want them to be explicitly focused on ice skating. If that’s what they wanted to pursue, we’d give them undying support, if it wasn’t that—then we’d still give them the same amount of undying support.</p><p>I dreamed to have that future with you. How unfortunate—it can’t happen now at all.</p><p>You’d come back from the rink after your break with cold sweat. Your hands were shaking. You couldn’t properly move and focus. All you wanted was to take some food into your system as soon as you could. But your actions contradicted what you wanted. </p><p>Rather, you wanted to talk to me and even practice more. You insisted that water was fine, but I had to insistently and borderline forcefully feed you a sandwich I had packed for you. Makkachin kept barking at me as if to tell me you weren’t all right until you were finally fine. </p><p>I was worried, and I shouldn’t have just thought you were simply tired.</p><p>Our rendezvous finally came when we escaped from Christophe’s clinginess. I planned to bring you somewhere that was nice but wasn’t too crowded at the same time. I wanted to step into an alternate reality where it could just be us two.</p><p>Embarrassingly, I actually had to ask Christophe where to bring you at first. I would never tell you this back then but I was panicked and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make you happy with wherever I chose to bring us two. So my best option was to trust Christophe with this and ask him about hidden gems in Switzerland.</p><p>He was rather suspicious asking why I wanted it to be somewhere nice but where not many people would go to. Of course, he viewed me as someone who’d go anywhere just to get a nice picture on my Instagram account. Somewhere known, somewhere where a lot of people have been to. So he thought it was suspicious that I asked for somewhere where the public wouldn’t take note of me.</p><p>He still gave me an answer though. And that’s what lead us to our rendezvous spot. It was in Bannalpsee. He said there was a fine lake there settled between cliffs and of course, there weren’t much people around despite it being close to Engelberg. </p><p>The day we headed there, I made sure you had everything you needed. I packed you water, food, and a change of clothes in case you got sweaty and had to change. After we finished the two-minute walk to the cable car station, we had arrived at our destination.</p><p>You were happy. Really happy, indeed. It was the first time you saw such a place and you were extremely glad to be there. You liked the ambiance and the atmosphere. You thought it was magnificent—but perhaps not as magnificent as you. There barely were people which made it better.</p><p>It felt ethereal. Just you and I together in the middle of cliffs and with the view of a lake. You were so enthusiastic about it. You seemed to be like a kid who for the first time finally tasted ice cream. I just knew at that moment I would do anything to protect your smile. I’d go through hell and back. I’d even embarrass myself. </p><p>Anything for you, and solely you.</p><p>We stayed there until night. We both tried to catch fireflies and one landed on top of my head. “Vic, don’t you dare move,” you threateningly said as I stood there dumbfounded. I was still processing the situation as you jumped with a jar in hand and it made contact with my platinum hair. You caught quite a few fireflies, only to set them free when we got back to the cable cars.</p><p>After all, you said it was more important that they reach home instead of you keeping them—even if you so badly wanted to keep them with you. You said it was better if they were free rather than if you kept them for yourself.</p><p>Unfortunately, that’s how our story went, didn’t it? I had to set you free even if I wanted to keep you for myself.</p><p>“Yuuri, don’t you think this picture is nice?,” I ask you showing you a picture that I took while at Bannalpsee. It was a picture of the lake, but your half-rimmed glasses were slightly included in the frame. “It isn’t! I’m in the way, I ruined the shot,” you say adamantly. I giggled at your reaction.</p><p>“Well, I think it’s the perfect shot. It has you and the beautiful view. If I post it, they probably won’t know it’s you since you never wear your glasses on the ice,” I say and your eyes light up as your cheeks turn pink. With that, I smile at you and post it on my Instagram.</p><p>On the flight to France, you tell me that the comments on it are embarrassing as everyone was trying to put together where I was and who I was with. I simply put the location as ‘home’ too so they’d suspect I was in Russia but a truth I’d never told you was that it also meant that you are home. You were afraid they’d all find out I was with you, and I had to reassure you that it was fine. You weren’t stealing me, and this was my choice.</p><p>If only you knew that I had always been yours ever since you greeted me with a happy birthday.</p><p>We had landed in France soon enough. Of course, we were going to skate and I was going to bring you to the Eiffel tower. I was also taking you somewhere else where perhaps we’d be alone together. It was the city of romance, and to avoid the crowd it would have on Valentines’ Day, I brought you here two weeks earlier.</p><p>Here, you finally got to choreograph up to a minute of your program. You had a minute down, and two minutes and 40 seconds more to go. I was beyond proud of you for what you had just done, so I took you to a café as a reward. </p><p>You enjoyed the pastries and the coffee. Maybe a bit too much. You were smiling as you ate the quiche. I think my mind back then was that, as long as you were happy then everything was fine. As long as you were smiling, I could ignore the fact I was worried about you.</p><p>But apparently with love—that shouldn’t be the case. You shouldn’t be blinded by a façade of happiness of any sort. Yes trust your significant other with their words but no matter how long you’ve loved them they can still lie to you, right? Trusting them too much is bad. At least, that’s what I think.</p><p>In France, we couldn’t really have the whole ice skating rink to ourselves. There were a lot of people coming in to skate. Even more people came when they found out me, Victor Nikiforov, and you, Yuuri Katsuki, were together in France skating in their rinks. We had to move rinks multiple times just to avoid the public. And we did so in order to avoid people from making rumors about you.</p><p>I don’t know if this was hard for you. No—it definitely was hard on you. With your condition, the stress of constant travel should have affected your numbers. I just didn’t know then, and now I realized it. But perhaps that was easier on you as the stress of the media, the paparazzi, and everything else would be far worse. If only I could’ve done something to make it better for you.</p><p>The day finally came where I could take you somewhere. Somewhere only both of us would know. It was an hour-long drive from Paris. It was a garden in Giverny and perhaps it was what both of us needed in those moments where we couldn’t even have our own privacy.</p><p>Monet’s Garden in Giverny. As we reached the garden, I held your hand as you looked at the place in complete awe. “There’s a story about this place, Yuuri. Claude Monet had to move in here as a tenant when he left Paris without a single penny. He acquired this house after seven years of being a tenant and during those times, he transformed it into something wondrous,” I told you.</p><p>“This place underwent many architectural changes like the creation of this pond and those three greenhouses. These became the painter’s inspirations to create his own masterpieces,” I told you as I pointed at the mentioned pond. We continued to stroll through the garden in silence with the occasional camera clicks here and there. Eventually, I couldn’t take the silence any longer.</p><p>So, I took your hands hidden in gloves and pulled them towards me. You were facing me because of this setting we were in. Your cheeks were tinted with a rather light pink shade and your brown orbs looked at me surprised. I then pulled you closer to my face and whispered in your ear, “What inspires you, Yuuri?" </p><p>Of course, I would answer your name now. I would have answered the question with your name back then, too.</p><p>“I don’t know, Victor. I have this feeling that maybe I have just been always alone. Alone fighting in this world rather. I haven’t felt company like this in so long. So, Victor, I think you are what inspires me. You inspire me to continue to fight on and to show the world that Yuuri Katsuki is meant to be remembered,” you say smiling at me.</p><p>I placed my lips on your forehead out of impulse at that time. You were a blushing mess when I pulled away from the realization of what I had just done. I then teased you and you laughed along with me as if nothing happened.</p><p>There was a particular reason why I brought you here and told you that story though. Claude Monet probably felt lost when he first moved here. Penniless, burnt out, and lacking inspiration. I thought that maybe you’d find yourself in a position like that or maybe you were in one and it was my subtle way of telling you that even with your broken pieces, you can still rearrange them in order to form one of the most beautiful masterpieces.</p><p>I didn’t know I had to apply this own piece of advice to myself after what happened. </p><p>Towards the end of our France escapade, we finally decided to head back into Paris and visit the Eiffel tower. We went there during the day just to take photographs together. Photographs I’d never share with the world for I wanted this moment to just live between the two of us. Sadly, this moment only exists within me.</p><p>You shyly posed for the camera as I took pictures of you on my phone. Of course, a lot of people recognized us but it didn’t matter any longer as I shielded you from all the cameras. You see, I’d be willing to take all the ridicule and embarrassment if it meant you were fine and that you weren’t afraid at all.</p><p>That night after hours of shopping, we went back to the tower. I had got you a present. You didn’t notice me buying it since you were so mesmerized by the other things on display in the store. I planned to give it to you here. Doing this made it seem like a romantic proposal of some sorts and back then I hoped you’d get the message about what I felt for you.</p><p>“Yuuri,” I called out to you as I pointed at the Eiffel tower like a child. You quickly followed me as I finally calmed down and stood in an area that overlooked a view of the tower. Here, I took your hands like I did in the garden and pulled them together close to my face. I took your black gloves off to reveal your thin fingers that were seemingly cold.</p><p>Your fingers caught my attention. There were little faded dots on the tips. There were pieces of skin that looked as if they had been peeling off your fingers. You were embarrassed when I took notice of these. I didn’t know how to assure you that it wasn’t something I thought was ugly.</p><p>“Those dots are freckles. At least that’s what Mari says. I know they’re really ugly and they don’t look natural but I can’t really do anything about it. The skin on my fingers peeled off when I used to chew my nails from nervousness,” you say defending yourself and trying to avert my attention. Instead, I put your fingers close to my lips. I then laid a kiss on each of your fingers as you blushed.</p><p>You were clearly insecure about them. Especially the dots you called freckles. I thought they were unnatural at first too. I caressed your fingertips, feeling the roughness from the skin and from the dots. I wanted to make you feel less insecure about these.</p><p>“Yuuri, they look like stars. You have stars at the tips of your fingers.”</p><p>Your smile after hearing this was beautiful. No—it wasn’t beautiful at all. Beautiful is an understatement. It was ethereal. It was alluring. It was captivating. It was the type of smile I’d think about while skating. It was the most exquisite thing I’ve seen in this mortal life. I just know that nothing compares to it and I’ll never be able to find something as divine as your smiles.</p><p>I then took the present out of my pocket. I took the golden ring out of its box and slid it onto your finger. You did the same with me. I had a feeling that we’d do this or we already have done this very moment. I chuckled as I watched you process the situation. You were about to go into panic mode, and I needed to reassure you.</p><p>So I told you they were on sale for a buy 1, take 1 deal and I just had to get it. You calmed down and jokingly said you’d never take it off. And you really didn’t. Until the last seconds, it was still on your ring finger. However, I really got them because I wanted to show everyone that there was something special between the two of us.</p><p>How unfortunate that we never got to officially declare to everyone what these rings truly meant. Sometimes I still find myself caressing my ring the way you used to with your fingers when I extremely miss you. It’s a comforting and destructive feeling. But it’s all I can do at times when I need to truly feel at home. </p><p>We left the very next day. There were about 10 more places we’d head to. I’m sure you still remember each and every moment, do you? It hurts remembering them. It really does. Sometimes I can’t bear to even look at my Instagram account because it reminds me of the times I could’ve done something. When I catch a glimpse of those pictures I took in my gallery, it breaks me too.</p><p>So while I talk to you, I’ll just try to brush over the details. I don’t think I’m ready to open up the wounds in my heart I’ve been trying to seal so hard these past four weeks. You won’t be here to calm me down, so I’d rather not speak of said events. </p><p>We went to Spain, to Italy, to Greece, to Sweden, and to Norway. We went to Canada and the United States too. We made our way down to Thailand and we all had fun while with Phichit. I guess I’ll just remind you of the parts that were truly important to our story.</p><p>Traveling through the streets of Spain, we relieved some classics there. While walking through the streets, I asked someone to play the guitar and help me serenade you. I told you I’d just take a dip in the pool but in reality, I stood below our balcony with the guitarist. When I called your name, you went out and you saw us. You were a blushing mess but you looked extremely happy as I sang for you. I’d do it over and over again. Yuuri Katsuki you are what comfort is to me.</p><p>In Italy, you got through half of your program. Watching you on the ice was truly breathtaking. I was so excited to see the full program, but I didn’t want to rush it. You were enjoying yourself so much that for once I felt security. I felt sure that you were truly happy while on this journey with me. Yuuri Katsuki you are my definition of safety.</p><p>Enjoying Santorini in Greece we found enjoyment in staying up to watch the sunrises and watching sunsets. I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t have an album on my phone filled with pictures of you and each sunset and sunrise we watched. Yuuri Katsuki you are paradisiacal.</p><p>As we were in Sweden, we both jokingly told a group of teenagers on the streets that we were actually married and they couldn’t tell anyone. I wish we really were married though, we didn’t even get together properly. It was just some kind of relationship wherein we both knew we loved each other, and that was it. Yuuri Katsuki you are what I look forward to—even if I have to wait until the next life.</p><p>In Norway, we decided to camp one night. We were hoping to catch the midnight sun which was around those times. We did see it and I was actually hoping to see the Northern Lights, but unfortunately, we couldn’t. I was tense and sad for a few days but you told me to be happy. Nonetheless, we witnessed such an event together. I wanted to experience more with you. Yuuri Katsuki you are my definition of hope for as long as I’m with you I am at ease.</p><p>During the times in Canada, we avoided heading to rinks knowing the media would catch us. Instead, we went on adventures. Walking through forests, amusement parks, ice attractions, and others. On our way back from a long night out, we saw something wondrous. We had seen the Northern Lights. It was truly otherworldly. There, I realized something important.</p><p>It was the fact that I was more caught up in your brown eyes than the phenomena above us. I think that was when I realized I was truly in love with you. I was in love with you so much so that even words would never be enough to relay what I felt. Yuuri Katsuki you are everything I want. You really are no doubt, everything I want. You are more than everything I’ve dreamed for too. You are ease. You are happiness. You are assurance. You are my everything and more.</p><p>We skated almost daily while in the United States. On the days we weren’t, we were driving to different states. We arrived in New York but we departed the land of the free in California. In between the moments on the rink were adventures. I believe we spent the longest time here. Maybe a couple of months or so, I wasn’t sure as with you time was nothing. Yuuri Katsuki I think it’ll take a lifetime to process what you did to me. It’ll take a lifetime to understand that this life wasn’t meant for us so I’ll do everything and anything just to be yours in another one.</p><p>While in California in September, we went swimming in the ocean. You felt insecure about your stomach. It had the same dots on your fingers. Your thighs and arms had the same dots too. I called all of them stars and I told you that you had a universe in you. I also indirectly told you that you were my universe. Yuuri Katsuki you are the first person I have ever come to love this much. And maybe, you’ll be the last person I’ll love this much too.</p><p>Amidst the euphoria, there was something else.</p><p>In each new place we went to, I saw that you were getting paler. Getting sicker. There was something off about you and I was getting worried but you assured me you were just fine and that I didn’t need to worry at all. Of course, I believed your words.</p><p>We skated together and eventually while we were in Thailand you finally finished choreographing all three minutes and 40 seconds of your program. It was four in the morning but we were still awake and still in the rink. The first time I saw the full piece, I was awestruck.</p><p>That was the first time I ever felt heaven. </p><p>There was just something about the way your body moved naturally along with the music. From your jumps, even if you couldn’t land them perfectly, to your step sequences to the way you integrated yourself with the music was beyond perfection. I can feel myself tear up every time I just think of that early morning skate in Thailand.</p><p>You wouldn’t let anyone else see it. “It’s for our eyes only,” you playfully told Phichit when he begged you to show it to him. In the end, your program became a secret between the two of us. I wish the world knew about it though. But at the same time, I want to be the only person in the world to know about it.</p><p>We then went to South Korea around the middle of November and we were supposed to head to China and then Kazakhstan afterward. That’s not how it went though.</p><p>We had just landed in Korea and you didn’t leave the hotel room for two days. I was worried. You eventually asked me if we could cut the trip short and head back to Hasetsu. I agreed. I was afraid too that time. I was constantly afraid that maybe the future I thought of would come true. I got something worse, however.</p><p>I brought you there. You were weak. You were struggling. This was the worst part of my entire life. A moment where I saw you visibly struggling yet all I could do was hold onto you. We reached Hasetsu and I was immediately separated from you. All I knew was you were admitted into a hospital and that it was best if I didn’t see you until you were fine.</p><p>If that was the case then I’d end up never seeing you.</p><p>During those days I couldn’t see you, I was blaming myself. I blamed myself for what was happening to you. I couldn’t even bring myself to face the world at that time. I remained cooped up in a hotel near Hasetsu. That is until I got a call from your phone.</p><p>I remember the way I called for your name so enthusiastically only to hear your sister’s voice on the other end of the line. I remember it so vividly—it was just barely a month ago. There was nothing but pain in her voice as she asked me to come to the hospital you were admitted in and that you were whispering my name even in your sleep.</p><p>As I arrived there, you were frail. Weak was an understatement. You were struggling to stay alive. It was breaking my heart over and over to see you that way. I bent down beside you and I reached out for your hand. You placed your hand in mine and I could still see the ring I got you on your finger. I was crying, and so were you.</p><p>There was nothing we could do. Nothing. All I could do was cry as I watched you fade away. There could be nothing in my life that could hurt me more now that I’ve seen you be taken away from me.</p><p>Yuuri Katsuki passed away at 3:25 in the morning on November 28 due to health complications. You were at the age of 23 and you died surrounded by your loved ones.</p><p>We were happy. We really were. If cloud nine was the best feeling of euphoria, I believe I've gone above and beyond the mesosphere with you. We were that happy.</p><p>We were happy enough to the point I had ignored all the obvious signs that we weren't always meant to be together.</p><p>Yuuri, it's selfish of me to say this but I wish we were less happy. Maybe then I could focus on your actual condition.</p><p>It truly is selfish of me to ask for that. But being selfish with that decision puts me in a place somewhere in between good and bad. Good knowing I could save you and bad knowing I was the person who stopped you from achieving the things you wanted to do.</p><p>I can’t keep you to myself. As I said, you were never truly mine. I may have always been yours—but were you even ever mine? Maybe that thought never even crossed your mind. Upon discovery of your message though, I know it has. But what if it was only up to there?</p><p>You were sick. You had a condition. You’ve had it ever since you were a kid. You’ve lived all your life with this but you only decided to take this route when you got older. Your doctor said you chose to live dangerously. No more tests, no more medicine, nothing but yourself. I didn’t understand it then but they said it was because you wanted to slowly destroy yourself.</p><p>Before finding the words in between the lines, I spent sleepless nights just thinking why I wasn’t enough of a reason for you to keep living?</p><p>They said you talked to them once over the phone asking if you could save yourself. It was in January—the start of the year. They told you that unfortunately, you couldn’t. </p><p>Was I too late?</p><p>Those stars on your fingertips were actually where the needles pierced your skin long ago for tests. The photos in your family album where you were in a hospital were because of your condition. The dots on your stomach, on your arms, and on your thighs were injection sites and they weren’t more of your starry freckles.</p><p>Whenever you got too tired your blood sugar levels dropped during those times. Whenever you ate too much it shot up. Your body couldn’t cope with yourself. Were you so tired that you completely gave up on this hurtful process? You tired yourself out to lower your levels and ate too much to raise them in hopes that maybe one of those would take you.</p><p>What hurts the most is I realized all the signs but I was blinded by our happiness. I noticed the way you would tire yourself out even if you were growing extremely weak. I noticed your mood swings. I noticed everything but I was so blinded by the fact you said you were alright.</p><p>Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to you at all.</p><p>But I love you too much. Far too much. I can’t do that. I couldn’t do anything. Maybe this is just how our story just goes. </p><p>I'm 28 now, it's my birthday today. We met a year ago on this very day. Before sneaking off to visit you, everyone greeted me with a happy birthday. “Happy birthday, Victor Nikiforov,” they said. Tell me why it doesn’t feel the same way as the way you said it to me, Yuuri?</p><p>Maybe that’s because you’re the first and only person I’ve wanted to hear it from so badly.</p><p>Yet I can’t do anything now, can I? All I can do now is to act like a madman and talk to the air in front of me. All I can do now is talk to the picture at the shrine in Yu-topia Katsuki as I pretend you’re actually here. I miss you a lot, but all I can do now is think of what-if situations.</p><p>Right now, your mother is playing your free skate music. Your sister says she does this whenever she misses you badly. It reminds me, Yuuri I finally figured the lyrics. Out of curiosity, I asked someone to translate them for me. </p><p>I wish you told me sooner what they meant. At least then, maybe I could’ve done something.</p><p>You really did whisper something under your breath when we first heard your music together at three in the morning. You told me to not think too much about the few lines of lyrics in your free skate music. Was that because they were words you were too afraid to tell me?</p><p>I'm 28 now, it's my birthday today. We met a year ago on this very day.</p><p>Yuri, did you intend to tell me the lyrics one day, or did you still not want me to find out after everything?</p><p>Regardless of your plans, I think you ought to now. I really think you ought to know after everything that’s happened.</p><p>I feel the same way too, Yuuri.</p><p>
  <i> Just like the color of the Arctic Sea at dusk </i><br/>
<i> Your eyes are a galaxy unknown to me </i><br/>
<i> With hair like close to the color of snow </i><br/>
<i> I’m thankful for that day in winter I met you. </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I want you to stay with me </i><br/>
<i> I don’t want you to ever leave me </i><br/>
<i> Wanting to see your smile each day </i><br/>
<i> I’m hoping that I won’t fade away </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I’m just afraid because after years of living </i><br/>
<i> I finally found my reason for living </i><br/>
<i> For I wouldn’t die for you, </i><br/>
<i> Rather I would live for you </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I don’t think you’ll ever notice this </i><br/>
<i>But I have been in love with you </i><br/>
<i> From the first glance, I have fallen </i><br/>
<i> Yet, I don’t think I’ll let you know </i>
</p><p>
  <i> My days are numbered, this is a curse </i><br/>
<i> If only I had met you earlier </i><br/>
<i> Then maybe I could’ve saved </i><br/>
<i> Could’ve saved what would’ve been </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I can’t tell you now, can I? </i><br/>
<i> About this secret </i><br/>
<i> This thing I regret </i><br/>
<i>I can’t save us now, can I? </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I like it when you smile </i><br/>
<i> It reminds me of happiness </i><br/>
<i> I like it when you’re here </i><br/>
<i> It’s the only time I have without loneliness </i>
</p><p>
  <i> My Arctic Sea I am sorry </i><br/>
<i> For I can’t do anything really </i><br/>
<i> To save what we could be </i><br/>
<i> Perhaps, this is all we can be. </i>
</p><p>
  <i> I want to see you in a lifetime </i><br/>
<i> Where we can finally </i><br/>
<i> Spend the rest of our lives </i><br/>
<i> On the ice together. </i>
</p><p>I feel the same way as you.</p><p>I want to see you in a lifetime where we can finally spend the rest of our lives on the ice together, Yuuri.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay okay, I know it's a bad fic but still, thank you for sticking with it up to here. If you have any questions please feel free to comment.</p><p>Once more, thank you for reading. I hope that you find someone who makes you want to hold onto life.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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